Dr Rosemary Parkinson
What do your friends and family say?
I see repeatedly with my clients that those close to, but outside of the relationship, were not aware of the abusive behaviour within the relationship. Sometimes friends and family only see a male partner when they are on their best behaviour. They may believe he is a lovely person and be confused if you describe him as otherwise. This can be upsetting to a victim of abuse, and it can make them question themselves and feel worse about themselves.​
Even when friends and family were aware a male partner could be 'difficult', clients reported that those close to them would say things such as: 'That's just what men are like'. This led the women to feel that they were failing to successfully manage a 'difficult' relationship or a 'difficult' man. This is not the case!​
"It can be difficult if you are experiencing subtle abuse to find someone that will confirm your feelings, or say ‘Yes. You are experiencing abuse.’"
The relationship experience described in this website is an abusive relationship which fundamentally changes the victim.​
Don’t be unsure any more. Subtle abuse may well be why you feel so confused and rubbish about yourself. When you consider your relationship through the lens of subtle abuse and you think you may be experiencing subtle abuse, then think about who you might trust to talk to about what you are realising. This understanding of why the abuse you are receiving makes you feel the way you do is the first step in making decisions about your relationship.
If you are looking for help in supporting your loved one, a good starting place is the information provided by Women's Aid: The Friends and Family Handbook.​
Dr Alison Gregory, Honorary Senior Research Fellow at the University of Bristol, is an expert in the informal support provided by friends and family members. She says:
"Most of the people that care about us, do genuinely want to help, but in situations of domestic abuse, they often feel confused, uncomfortable, and ill-equipped. Even more so, with forms of abuse which are subtle and rarely talked about. If a friend or family member does notice that something’s wrong, they often aren’t sure what they are seeing, don’t want to jump to conclusions, or are fearful about ‘getting it wrong’…and they may ‘get it wrong’, unintentionally, which can feel like they are trying to minimise or normalise your experiences. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they can’t be a source of support, just that they haven’t yet understood what you’re experiencing. From the outside of a relationship (and sometimes from inside as well), it can be hard to tell the difference between a relationship which is unhealthy or difficult, and one which is abusive. Sharing information from this website with the person may help them to better understand your experiences."