Dr Rosemary Parkinson
Recognising subtle abuse
Subtle abuse is a form of abuse that can include any type of abuse, but all done by the abuser in a subtle way. The abuse can be so subtle that it is impossible to spot by looking for specific incidents of abuse, so it’s really hard to explain to other people why you think it may be abuse. There are two aspects to consider when looking at a subtly abusive relationship:
• the attitudes and abusive behaviours of a partner
• how that makes a victim feel, think and change.
My early research looked at what is already known about subtle abuse. Through my analysis of academic studies into abusers who use some subtle tactics I view subtle abuse as:
"Subtle abuse is, by its very nature, subtle and so is hard to recognise."
Undermining, withholding and limiting behaviours enacted in ways that are difficult to detect by the victim or their friends and family. Such abuse leads to emotional and behavioural changes in victims.
Instead of specific incidents, my research shows that subtle abuse is an ongoing attitude the abuser has towards their victim. I studied abuse by men against women and found a common pattern, that:
He behaves in an ongoing, self-centred way. Sometimes he can be loving and kind, and other times he is moody, undermining and neglectful. He relies on his partner to take on the practical and emotional work of the relationship while he finds ways to avoid these.
‘Am I being subtly abused?’
Over time this makes the victim become a smaller version of herself, and start to believe she is a bad or horrible person because somehow, no matter how hard she tries, she just doesn’t seem to make her partner happy.​​​
As a psychotherapist, my female clients told me of friends, family members and even therapists who failed to recognise they were in a subtly abusive relationship. Instead, those around them had encouraged the women to change themselves, compromise with their partners and to try harder in their relationships. Such comments suggested, and confirmed the women’s beliefs, that any problems were their fault and that they needed to change. This confirmation of some of their own thoughts made them feel worse, their symptoms increased and the realisation that their relationship was abusive was delayed. Without recognition of the abuse, they suffered for longer. Just asking yourself the question: ​​​
"Identifying subtle abuse allows a woman to have a different perspective on her relationship and make informed decisions about her future."
may be a clue that you are experiencing subtle abuse. To help you assess whether your relationship and your partner’s behaviour is abusive, I have put together some questions to ask yourself. Stepping back from that feeling that you are to blame, and taking time to think about the behaviours within your relationship are important steps.​​
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