Dr Rosemary Parkinson
Is it me?
My research shows that abused women may have a sense of confusion and put in more and more effort to keep things ‘okay’ in the relationship. Their thoughts, feelings and behaviours are part of a developing belief that they are the reason things don’t always seem to run smoothly in their relationship. Women reflect on what they do at home, at work or in social situations. They wonder if there is something wrong with their behaviour and if there is something wrong with who they are too.
When you read through each of the four statements below, think about whether any resonate with your experience. Do any of these experiences feel familiar?
"Women who are being subjected to subtle abuse ask themselves ‘Is it me?’ when they think about things that they are not comfortable with in their relationship."
‘I feel like there’s something wrong with me’
Often women can only make sense of the way they feel by believing that they themselves have done something wrong, or perhaps are fundamentally flawed. Most of my clients arrived in therapy because they thought there was something wrong with them. During their relationships, my clients had come to believe that they just weren’t good enough. Feeling they were not good enough resulted in these women experiencing anxiety and having low-self-esteem, and some had symptoms of depression and even suicidal thoughts. These psychological and emotional changes stemmed from the ongoing subtle abuse by their partners.
‘I tend to put my feelings and needs to one side’
Perhaps your partner is going through a tough time or has extra mental, emotional or practical needs. Perhaps they like things a certain way and it feels like a simple compromise to change so things are how they like them. However, in a subtly abusive relationship, what starts out as a single or temporary change becomes more changes that last over years. As a result you don’t pay attention to your needs or feelings. Women victims ignore their own needs and instead focus on trying to make the good times in the relationship last all the time.
‘I find myself trying harder all the time to get things ‘right’
Maybe you find yourself treading on eggshells at home. Maybe you feel disconnected from your partner at times. Women who are being subtly abused can find themselves striving to meet their partner’s needs, and trying harder to keep him happy and get the relationship back to how it was when they first met.
Subtle abuse leads a woman to feel confused – ‘He says he loves me but…’ and the ‘but…’ is something that comes up again and again in conversations with my clients. Women try to make sense of this mismatch between their relationship feeling good at times, with his declarations and behaviours that show love, and other times thinking that the way their partner feels about them and their relationship isn’t good at all. They feel rubbish, without understanding why they feel that way.
‘I feel confused’
As you look through these four statements do you think that they mirror some of your experiences? Do you think that you may be in a subtly abusive relationship? If so, you can consider this further by answering some questions about your relationship. You can open these on a new page or download them:
You can read more case studies here:
And consider the perspective of your friends and family here: