Dr Rosemary Parkinson
What happens to women when they experience subtle abuse?
Being subjected to subtle abuse results in changes, including self-doubt, loss of self-worth, and negative moods. Studies show that not only do men’s abusive tactics limit women, but women start to limit themselves.
Women limit their lives in a variety of ways, by adapting their behaviour in line with their partner’s preferences. This stops them from being themselves and developing. Such self-limitation is a particularly subtle and unseen aspect of abuse.
Zoe’s story shows how a partner’s moodiness, which likely also involves withholding affection, becomes an undermining and limiting tactic, which in turn leads a victim to limit themselves.​
"Academic studies have shown that when men use abusive tactics on their female partners, these tactics change the women."
Zoe
Zoe had always been a big reader and so had her partner, Simon. When they first got together, they often discussed books and suggested ones for each other to read. It was part of what made her think they were compatible.
When they moved in together, Zoe was surprised that whenever she wanted to read Simon became moody. She would sit down in the evening and start to read, and he would say ‘But I thought we were going to have time together’. She thought they were, and pointed out that they were together on the sofa. But for Simon, when she read, she was cutting herself off from him, and his mood would change.
Zoe gradually found that she had few opportunities to read. ‘It just wasn’t worth the hassle of knowing he would become moody, and then trying to sit and read with him in a mood somewhere in the house. It made me feel anxious and on edge.’
Studies have indicated that as well as these effects of self-doubt, loss of self-worth, and negative mood changes, women are limited both by their partners and in turn by themselves, as women change their behaviours in their day-to-day lives. These changes occur in three different ways:
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Women stop paying attention to their feelings and looking after their own needs.
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When they sense a negative change in their partner, or think of something their partner might want or need, women strive to ‘improve’ themselves.
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Women therefore prioritise their partner’s needs, and try to ensure he gets everything that he wants.
As the case studies show, these changes result from a partner’s subtle behaviours or comments. The changes a woman goes through can also seem to be quite subtle. This subtlety means that it is easy for victims, and their friends and family, to dismiss these changes as the sort of compromise that is necessary in relationships. But over time these subtle changes can change a woman quite fundamentally so that she becomes very different from how she was at the start of the relationship. When women stop prioritising their needs they may stop seeing friends, going to exercise classes, pursuing hobbies they were previously interested in or becoming less ambitious in their careers.
Sarah
Neil was very supportive of Sarah. They had discussed how her mood went up and down, and how she wanted to try to capture the energy she had when she was up and to minimise the lows. They agreed to spend money on therapy to help her with this.
At the same time, she also felt like she was walking on eggshells, afraid to get something wrong at home. There were times when Neil would mention something she hadn’t done quite right for him, and she would feel upset and abandoned by him.
One day he told her she made too much noise when she was cooking, and he couldn’t concentrate on what he had to do. She sensed he was fed up with her and contemptuous towards her for failing to get things right. Over time she started to believe that she was not thoughtful enough about Neil’s needs and was quite a self-centred person. This affected how she evaluated her thoughts, feelings and behaviours with others as well. She began to feel self-conscious of what she did, even at home, and tried to act around the house in ways that would allow Neil to have the space he needed, rather than be her natural self.
Sue
After taking time off to have her second child, Sue wanted to retrain as a physiotherapist. Sue’s husband Stephen worked part time as a teacher, which gave him time to focus on a second career as a writer – something he had always wanted to be. This meant that they didn’t have enough money for Sue to retrain, and instead Sue returned to her role as Head of HR at a large firm.
Sue was disappointed, but thought this was part of the normal compromises in marriage and that one day there would be time and money for her to pursue her dreams too. However, year after year this never seemed to be possible, and Sue found herself also having to compromise in other ways around Stephen’s needs, and she felt increasingly limited.
If you are wondering whether your relationship might be subtly abusive you owe it to yourself to look more closely at your relationship and how you feel. All abuse, but perhaps subtle abuse in particular, leaves victims in a state of confusion. You may be able to unravel whether you are in a subtly abusive relationship by thinking about what you are experiencing in your relationship – these questions will guide you. You can open these on a new page or download them:
You can read more case studies here:
And consider the perspective of your friends and family here: