Dr Rosemary Parkinson
What is subtle abuse?
My clinical and research work in the field of domestic abuse has been with women of high educational and socio-economic status in heterosexual relationships. Sadly, abuse of women by an intimate male partner is extremely common. The Office of National Statistics reported that 1.6 million women in the UK experienced domestic abuse in the year ending March 2024. ​​​​​
Abuse may be physical, emotional, psychological, economic, sexual or by other methods. The media tends to cover obvious abuse, which is violent or extreme. But abuse can be thought of as a spectrum, with much abuse being less overt than is reported in the media and, instead, carried out in subtle ways. ​
Subtle abuse is a form of abuse that can include any type of abuse, but all done by the abuser in a subtle way. The abuse can be so subtle that it is impossible to spot by looking for specific incidents of abuse, so it’s really hard to explain to other people why you think it may be abuse. I define subtle abuse as undermining, withholding and limiting behaviours enacted in ways that are difficult to detect by the victim or their friends and family. Such abuse leads to emotional and behavioural changes in victims.
"Are you are wondering whether your relationship might be subtly abusive?"
The effect of subtle abuse is devastating for women. It leaves them with symptoms of depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts. Even when the relationship is over, the effects of the abuse can last for years.
​​​​Prior to my research, this phenomenon of victims who solely experience abuse on a subtle level had not been investigated. ​If you are concerned you may be in a subtly abusive relationship then the first step is to understand what subtle abuse is. You can do this here:
​​​​Next you can assess your relationship to see whether aspects of it resemble subtle abuse. You can do this here:
​​​​Many women who are caught up in subtly abusive intimate relationships ask themselves 'Am I the problem here? Is it my fault?' This is a common trait among abuse victims in general. Being abused changes a person in ways and for reasons friends and family may not understand. These changes make it difficult for you to recognise the abuse, to seek help and to talk about the abuse with others. Through reading the information on this website, and thinking about your relationship by answering questions, you will gain a greater understanding of subtle abuse and a clearer perspective on your own relationship. You will then need to think about your next steps. You can find information on this here: