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Case studies

A partner's subtly abusive tactics limit women, and women also start to limit themselves. Women limit their lives in a variety of ways, by adapting their behaviour in line with their partner’s preferences. Interviews and therapy sessions with many women highlight the myriad of ways that subtly abusive behaviour takes place, and the negative impacts it has on a woman. Here I have gathered together the case studies from this website. 

Zoe

Zoe had always been a big reader and so had her partner, Simon. When they first got together, they often discussed books and suggested ones for each other to read. It was part of what made her think they were compatible.
When they moved in together,  Zoe was surprised that whenever she wanted to read Simon became moody. She would sit down in the evening and start to read, and he would say ‘But I thought we were going to have time together’. She thought they were, and pointed out that they were together on the sofa. But for Simon, when she read, she was cutting herself off from him, and his mood would change.
Zoe gradually found that she had few opportunities to read. ‘It just wasn’t worth the hassle of knowing he would become moody, and then trying to sit and read with him in a mood somewhere in the house. It made me feel anxious and on edge.’
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Sarah

Neil was very supportive of Sarah. They had discussed how her mood went up and down, and how she wanted to try to capture the energy she had when she was up and to minimise the lows. They agreed to spend money on therapy to help her with this.
At the same time, she also felt like she was walking on eggshells, afraid to get something wrong at home. There were times when Neil would mention something she hadn’t done quite right for him, and she would feel upset and abandoned by him.
One day he told her she made too much noise when she was cooking, and he couldn’t concentrate on what he had to do. She sensed he was fed up with her and contemptuous towards her for failing to get things right. Over time she started to believe that she was not thoughtful enough about Neil’s needs and was quite a self-centred person. This affected how she evaluated her thoughts, feelings and behaviours with others as well. She began to feel self-conscious of what she did, even at home, and tried to act around the house in ways that would allow Neil to have the space he needed, rather than be her natural self.

Sue

After taking time off to have her second child, Sue wanted to retrain as a physiotherapist. Sue’s husband Stephen worked part time as a teacher, which gave him time to focus on a second career as a writer – something he had always wanted to be. This meant that they didn’t have enough money for Sue to retrain, and instead Sue returned to her role as Head of HR at a large firm.
Sue was disappointed, but thought this was part of the normal compromises in marriage and that one day there would be time and money for her to pursue her dreams too. However, year after year this never seemed to be possible, and Sue found herself also having to compromise in other ways around Stephen’s needs, and she felt increasingly limited.

Jasmine

Jasmine recalled that she would just know that something was wrong and couldn’t even say what it was ‘I would just sense it you know? If I asked him if he was ok, he’d always say he was, but I don’t know, then or a bit later he’d be telling me I was letting myself down, that he’d see other people doing great things and think ‘Why isn’t Jasmine, she’s as good as them.’ And I’d feel rubbish, but you know there was nothing he’d actually done or said which I could say had caused that.’
When Phil and Sophie got together they both felt ‘This is the one’. Quite early on they started speaking about marriage. Phil told Sophie that he had never thought he would consider getting married. He laughed and said ‘I even love the way you chop mushrooms!’ Although Sophie knew she and Phil were right for each other, every so often something would occur that made her feel upset.
She and Phil took a trip to a London market known for its alternative vibes, and together they indulged in a bit of people watching. Then Phil pointed out a woman dressed in what Sophie thought was quite an overtly sexualised style. He said ‘It’s a shame you don’t dress more like that. You could free yourself up a bit.’ Sophie felt crushed. Here was the man she thought of as the love of her life comparing her unfavourably to someone she thought dressed inappropriately. Sophie felt shamed and that Phil implied she dressed in a frumpy manner. The comparison he made between her and the other woman at the market suggested to Sophie that she was uptight and needed to change. 
Phil undermines Sophie’s confidence both in her dress sense and in her way of being as a person. Sophie experienced a withholding of what she had thought was Phil’s unconditional love for her, and remembered this comment when she chose how to dress from that point on. This limited her personal freedom, and resulted in negative thoughts about her not being ‘good enough’ in Phil’s eyes but also in the eyes of the world.

Sophie

Katie

When Katie read about abuse online or in popular books, she saw behaviours which seemed more extreme than her husband Paul’s behaviour. She didn’t read experiences which resonated with hers, and reading about abuse which was not solely conducted on a subtle level prevented Katie from realising that Paul was abusing her. In our therapy sessions she told me ‘No. There’s nothing like this going on in my relationship’. Katie felt confirmed in her belief that she was part of the problem. Without reading about experiences that validated their own, clients reverted to self-blame, describing themselves as ‘over-sensitive’, ‘demanding’, ‘difficult’ and ‘over-controlling’. 
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