Professional women and subtle abuse
Intimate partner abuse is about control by a perpetrator and can happen to ANYONE - any gender, any personality type, any age. When presenting my research to wider audiences, some people have asked about my focus on professional women victims of subtle abuse. My explanation is quite simply that my doctorate research focused on my area of experience. Although I work with professional men as well as professional women, the only clients whose difficulties involved subtle intimate partner abuse were professional women. Considering this population group, I wasn’t sure whether women who were successful in their work lives, educated to a high level, and seemly functioning well in life generally were affected by subtle forms of intimate partner abuse (IPA) in distinct ways. To look at his further my doctorate at the University of East Anglia focused on:
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gaining an understanding of the phenomena of subtle abuse
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understanding the experience of professional women.
Professional women told me they believed their educational and career success had led to distinct reflections and emotions around their intimate partner relationship. These included believing their relationship was something they needed to work harder on and could problem-solve, rather than stepping back and recognising that they were being abused.
Professional women feel inadequate when their skills don’t result in them recognising subtle abuse or dealing with it quickly. Harriet told me: ‘I suppose it's just the shock really of ‘Why didn’t I know?’ That's the difficult thing. Why? Why doesn't society know about this?’
My research is supported by recent high-profile stories, such as ITV’s Breaking the Silence: Kate’s Story, where former MP Kate Kniveton gives a frank account of her experience of being abused and shamed into silence over ten years by her husband Andrew, and Seema Haider’s article Courage is contagious: we need to talk about the domestic abuse experienced by female doctors in the NHS in the British Medical Journal.
“People don’t think that it can happen to middle class, professional people. Domestic abuse has no boundaries. It can affect absolutely anybody.” Kate Kniveton, Former MP for Burton and Uttoxeter.
What do I mean by ‘professional women’?
Demographics and population groups are useful in research studies, and my research focused on women of high socio-economic status (SES), which is a measurement used by economists and sociologists that combines a person's economic or wealth level and social position (generally determined by education level) in relation to others. I use the term ‘professional women’ to describe this group, even though this does not totally capture the diversity of high-achieving women. In the UK in particular opinions are still affected by the historic concept of social class, i.e., where someone ‘fits’ socially. The ‘professional women’ in my research each have at least one university degree and meet measurements of high SES.
"People don’t think that it can happen to middle class, professional people. Domestic abuse has no boundaries. It can affect absolutely anybody." Kate Kniveton, former MP for Burton and Uttoxeter.
A neglected area of research - with devastating results
When discussing their intimate partner relationship with women who felt confused, diminished and were doubting themselves, I considered whether their symptoms could be caused by a subtle level of abuse in their relationship. I looked for research to help me understand their experiences, but found no work that spoke directly to what they were living through. I began to use the term ‘subtle abuse’ to describe both the behaviour of their partner and the impact it had on them. My research allowed me to define the phenomena of subtle abuse (my article appears in the journal Trauma, Violence & Abuse), and also led me to conclude that there are unique ways that professional women experience, think about and are affected by this abuse.
My research discovered that:
• Professional women may be more likely to experience abuse at the subtle end of the abuse spectrum.
• Abuse damages professional women’s sense of agency and belief in their abilities.
• Professional women can be silenced by their privilege.
• Economic or financial abuse can look different for professional women:
- Professional women support their partners to their own detriment.
- Asset rich, cash poor means that they are trapped despite being relatively wealthy.
• Professional women feel shame related to their social position:
- Due to their social status women in this group feel shame for being abused.
- Professional women feel inadequate when their skills do not stop the abuse.
- Professional women feel ashamed that they were not able to spot the abuse.
Each are outlined below:
Professional women may be more likely to experience abuse at the subtle end of the abuse spectrum
We can view intimate partner abuse as a spectrum that ranges from controlling behaviour that includes anger and violence, to controlling tactics that involve more subtle behaviours, and which leave a person feeling confused, lacking in confidence and anxious. Research shows that recognition of many types of abuse is often tricky, but such recognition allows women to seek support to work out what to do about an abusive partner. Women in my research were clear that if they had been physically abused or subject to obvious verbal abuse or overt control, for example being denied access to finances or a car, they would have known it was abuse. However, the subtlety of the abuse they suffered meant that many of the women I spoke to simply didn’t realise that what they were experiencing was abuse, and they did not recognise their partner’s behaviours as abusive. Instead, they blamed themselves for being inadequate or needing to change. Even years later, some of these women were still unsure they were allowed to use the term ‘abuse’ to describe what had happened to them. While professional women do experience all types of IPA my research points to them being more likely to suffer solely subtle abuse. There is some research and some anecdotal evidence that male partners deliberately avoid using more overt abuse strategies, believing professional women will readily identify these as abusive.
Professional women can be silenced by their privilege
Acknowledging that you are being abused is painful for anyone. The professional women I have spoken with believe that, due to their educational and social privilege, they have no right to complain about the hurt, pain and despair they feel due to abuse by their partner. A loss of confidence in their ability to improve their relationships means that women feel both to blame for their situation and silenced from speaking about the difficulties they are experiencing. Over time, women become increasingly self-blaming, confused and alone.
Harriet told me "I was totally scuppered. I couldn’t thrive and could not get out of it. I could not even see it without external help."
Abuse damages professional women’s sense of agency and belief in their abilities
Women whose intellectual and problem-solving skills have led to their educational and career success tend to assume these skills will prove successful in addressing relationship issues. This is not the case in an abusive relationship – there is no way to outmanoeuvre an abuser as they are not focussed on the same goals as the victim. Instead, the abuser is focussed on getting their needs met and is not concerned about the needs of their partner. When professional women cannot improve the difficulties in their relationships they lose confidence in their abilities and in themselves, and over time this leads to the issues I have seen repeatedly in my clients and research - depression, anxiety or low self-esteem.
Economic or financial abuse can look different for professional women
Professional women support their partners to their own detriment
When we acknowledge that the abuser’s aim is to get his needs met through the relationship, then behaviours that otherwise may look simply annoying or forgetful can be understood as part of the abuser’s ongoing selfish attitude of entitlement. Professional women can become the breadwinner without it being discussed. For example, a partner losing a job or more than one job could be unfortunate or, perhaps, a sign of a lack of competence. But some of my clients’ and research participants’ reported partners’ job losses that, when looked at alongside their other self-centred behaviours, were part of a bigger picture of deliberate abusive actions. As one research participant, Jodie, told me about her husband ‘He was fired for about the third, or fourth time, so it was only my money that was coming in. But then he'd go out on a weekend and spend £200 with his friends on a night out.’ Successful women can find themselves manipulated into economically supporting their partners, although both the women and their friends may believe the couple’s economic decisions have been voluntarily agreed to. This subtle form of control limits women and prevents them from pursuing their own goals, and leads them to feel trapped in their situation.
It is recognised that society accepts gendered division of household work, with women often responsible for the main domestic tasks alongside their professional role and this, along with messages that relationships are ‘hard work’ and you must ‘stick at it’, facilitates abuse. The assumption of responsibility for domestic tasks aligns with how professional women approach their lives in general. Throughout their educational and professional lives women in this social group have been taught to set goals and then to work hard to achieve these goals. Many of my clients and research participants spoke of themselves as being ‘a good girl’ or being a ‘striver’. When it comes to their intimate relationships it is no different. Having absorbed society’s messages that relationships ‘take work’, women feel responsible and are prepared to put in a disproportionate amount of emotional, psychological and practical work they believe is necessary to create a successful relationship.
GP Dr Seema Haider, herself a victim of abuse, says "Particularly with professional women and well-educated women I think a lot of people think ‘How did you get yourself involved in that situation?’ or ‘How did you pick someone like that?" See Seema’s post here where she discusses the ITV documentary Breaking the Silence.
Women believe that their partners come into a relationship with the same goals and are both prepared to work hard in their relationship and shared life. This led Frances a woman in my research study, to double down when her partner said she wasn’t pulling her weight in their shared property business after the birth of their child. She told me, ‘It wasn’t what I wanted to do, but he wanted me to…so I put my dirty old workman’s clothes on and that never stopped…It got to the point where I was working so hard, physical work, managing multiple projects, managing the property lets…I wasn’t doing anything well because I was so exhausted’. Jenny did this believing this was her necessary contribution to the family while her partner sought new opportunities for the business. But Jenny was also running the household, cooking the meals and looking after their daughter while her partner contributed little to any of this. When Jenny told me about their relationship it became clear that her partner’s controlling and limiting behaviours were not isolated but were part of a bigger picture of his sense of entitlement in the relationship, and this justified the label ‘subtle abuse’.
Asset rich, cash poor
Acknowledging that you are being abused is painful for anyone. The professional women I have spoken with believe that, due to their educational and social privilege, they have no right to complain about the hurt, pain and despair they feel due to abuse by their partner. A loss of confidence in their ability to improve their relationships means that women feel both to blame for their situation and silenced from speaking about the difficulties they are experiencing. Over time, women become increasingly self-blaming, confused and alone.
Professional women feel shame related to their social position
The pain of shame stems from something we’ve been told, or from something we feel we’ve done – or failed to do – that leaves us believing we are flawed, alone, and unworthy of love or belonging. Research shows that shame can be strongly gendered: women often feel shame when they struggle to meet competing expectations, whereas men tend to feel shame when they believe they are being perceived as weak.
Despite widespread evidence that abuse can happen to anyone regardless of social class or education, there is an enduring assumption that victims of abuse are primarily of lower educational and SES. Although women I met knew that in theory they could be victims of abuse, they felt huge shame when they began to realise they were being abused. This related to their belief that rather than having a happy and successful relationship that matched their professional success, they instead had failed in their intimate relationship. Such ‘failure’ left them feeling isolated from other professional women in the same way as if they had failed in their job, or failed financially.
These women experienced shame because both they and other people believed that as professional women they should not have allowed themselves to get into an abusive relationship.
Professional women feel shame because they did not spot the abuse
The invisible nature of subtle abuse and the assumption that abuse mostly happens to women of lower educational and socio-economic status, hampers the ability of professional women victims, their friends and family, and even therapists, to spot the abuse. When a relationship ends there are significant feelings of shame as both victims and their friends and family berate themselves for not spotting and dealing with the abuse.
Frances told me: "For me, as a, you know, privileged white woman, the shame, the absolute shame of admitting that I've let somebody abuse me is just the most awful thing. I think there's something about, well, I'm a strong woman, I'm running my own business, I'm perfectly able to articulate myself. So how could I possibly let anybody abuse me in that way?"
Recognition of subtle abuse
As more professional and high-profile women speak out about their subtly abusive relationships, awareness will grow, and knowledge is key for victims and for their friends and family. It is slowly but surely becoming apparent that many professional women experience abuse in their relationships. After the publication of her article Courage is contagious: we need to talk about the domestic abuse experienced by female doctors in the NHS in the British Medical Journal. Seema Haider said ‘The number of people who got in touch was phenomenal.’
Alongside Drs Seema Haider and Ellen Welch, in The Doctors' Association UK podcast released as part of NHS Domestic Abuse Awareness Day, I discussed the psychological impacts, case studies, and the importance of recognising and naming subtle abuse - and just why it is a hidden epidemic. Listen to the episode here.
Subtle abuse may well be part of all cases of domestic abuse, especially in the initial stages before there is more overt or violent abuse. For many women, and my research shows that this is often the case for professional women, the abuse remains subtle over months and years and the effects are devastating. Victims suffer with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts, and even when the relationship is over, the effects of the abuse can last for years.
We are seeing more depictions of subtle abuse in popular culture, such as Hannah Waddingham's character Rebecca in Ted Lasso, and Hannah has spoken about her own experience, saying: "No one would think that a 6’ 2” woman in heels would have been in a verbally abusive relationship, where he told me what to eat, he told me what to wear, and I listened." She says she allowed herself to be ‘dimmed’. See here.