Professional women and subtle abuse
Intimate partner abuse is about control by a perpetrator and can happen to ANYONE - any gender, any personality type, any age. When presenting my research to wider audiences, some people have asked about my focus on professional women victims of subtle abuse. My explanation is quite simply that my doctorate research focused on my area of experience. Although I work with professional men as well as professional women, the only clients whose difficulties involved subtle intimate partner abuse were professional women. Considering this population group, I wasn’t sure whether women who were successful in their work lives, educated to a high level, and seemly functioning well in life generally were affected by subtle forms of intimate partner abuse (IPA) in distinct ways. To look at his further my doctorate at the University of East Anglia focused on:
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gaining an understanding of the phenomena of subtle abuse
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understanding the experience of professional women.
Professional women told me they believed their educational and career success had led to distinct reflections and emotions around their intimate partner relationship. These included believing their relationship was something they needed to work harder on and could problem-solve, rather than stepping back and recognising that they were being abused.
Professional women feel inadequate when their skills don’t result in them recognising subtle abuse or dealing with it quickly. Harriet told me: ‘I suppose it's just the shock really of ‘Why didn’t I know?’ That's the difficult thing. Why? Why doesn't society know about this?’
My research is supported by recent high-profile stories, such as ITV’s Breaking the Silence: Kate’s Story, where former MP Kate Kniveton gives a frank account of her experience of being abused and shamed into silence over ten years by her husband Andrew, and Seema Haider’s article Courage is contagious: we need to talk about the domestic abuse experienced by female doctors in the NHS in the British Medical Journal.
“People don’t think that it can happen to middle class, professional people. Domestic abuse has no boundaries. It can affect absolutely anybody.” Kate Kniveton, Former MP for Burton and Uttoxeter.
What do I mean by ‘professional women’?
Demographics and population groups are useful in research studies, and my research focused on women of high socio-economic status (SES), which is a measurement used by economists and sociologists that combines a person's economic or wealth level and social position (generally determined by education level) in relation to others. I use the term ‘professional women’ to describe this group, even though this does not totally capture the diversity of high-achieving women. In the UK in particular opinions are still affected by the historic concept of social class, i.e., where someone ‘fits’ socially. The ‘professional women’ in my research each have at least one university degree and meet measurements of high SES.
"People don’t think that it can happen to middle class, professional people. Domestic abuse has no boundaries. It can affect absolutely anybody." Kate Kniveton, former MP for Burton and Uttoxeter.
Distinct ways that professional women experience abuse
When discussing their intimate partner relationship with women who felt confused, diminished and were doubting themselves, I considered whether their symptoms could be caused by a subtle level of abuse in their relationship. I looked for research to help me understand their experiences, but found no work that spoke directly to what they were living through. I found it was a neglected area of research - with devastating results. I began to use the term ‘subtle abuse’ to describe both the behaviour of their partner and the impact it had on them. My research allowed me to define the phenomena of subtle abuse (my article appears in the journal Trauma, Violence & Abuse), and also led me to conclude that there are unique ways that professional women experience, think about and are affected by this abuse.
My research discovered that:
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Professional women may be more likely to experience abuse at the subtle end of the abuse spectrum.
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Abuse damages professional women’s sense of agency and belief in their abilities.
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Professional women can be silenced by their privilege.
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Economic or financial abuse can look different for professional women:
- Professional women support their partners to their own detriment.
- Asset rich, cash poor means that they are trapped despite being relatively wealthy.
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Professional women feel shame related to their social position:
- Due to their social status women in this group feel shame for being abused.
- Professional women feel inadequate when their skills do not stop the abuse.
- Professional women feel ashamed that they were not able to spot the abuse.
You can read more on each of these five aspects of how professional women are particularly affected by abuse here:
Recognition of subtle abuse
As more professional and high-profile women speak out about their subtly abusive relationships, awareness will grow, and knowledge is key for victims and for their friends and family. It is slowly but surely becoming apparent that many professional women experience abuse in their relationships. After the publication of her article Courage is contagious: we need to talk about the domestic abuse experienced by female doctors in the NHS in the British Medical Journal. Seema Haider said ‘The number of people who got in touch was phenomenal.’
Alongside Drs Seema Haider and Ellen Welch, in The Doctors' Association UK podcast released as part of NHS Domestic Abuse Awareness Day, I discussed the psychological impacts, case studies, and the importance of recognising and naming subtle abuse - and just why it is a hidden epidemic. Listen to the episode here.
Subtle abuse may well be part of all cases of domestic abuse, especially in the initial stages before there is more overt or violent abuse. For many women, and my research shows that this is often the case for professional women, the abuse remains subtle over months and years and the effects
are devastating. Victims suffer with depression, anxiety, low self-esteem and suicidal thoughts, and even when the relationship is over, the effects
of the abuse can last for years.
We are seeing more depictions of subtle abuse in popular culture, such as Hannah Waddingham's character Rebecca in Ted Lasso, and Hannah has spoken about her own experience, saying: "No one would think that a 6’ 2” woman in heels would have been in a verbally abusive relationship, where he told me what to eat, he told me what to wear, and I listened." She says she allowed herself to be ‘dimmed’. See here.
As you look through these features of abuse of professional women, do you think that they mirror some of your experiences? Do you think that you may be in a subtly abusive relationship? If so, you can consider this further by answering some questions about your relationship. You can open these on a new page or download them: